A politician died suddenly and went straight to hell due to the wonderful work he had done for his country for years. You see, the thing is, you cannot just barge into hell as if you are going to the office. An office can be a hell too, but in the real one, you have customs that come from antiquity.
There was a due process, a registration kind of thing. Every visitor had to go through a mighty devil known as ‘’Cauldron’’. It was he who did a similar job to what St. Peter did at the heavenly gate. The devil is responsible for ticking the box for checking-in. Just before he entered hell, “ Cauldron” asked the regular questions that he asked all the sinners. Anyway, it is not like anyone other than a sinner ever reached Hell. But a job is a job, hell or not.
‘’Name”?
‘’ Senasuru Bandara’’.
‘What kind of a weird name,’ thought Cauldron.
“What were you before you were transferred here?”
“A politician.” The gatekeeper raised his head since most of the politicians were far superior to them in evildoing.
“Hmmm. Okay, from which country ?”
‘Cauldron sincerely wished for one thing in his mind. Please, please in the name of Satan, not from Sri Lanka, not from Sri Lanka. He kept staring at the soul who had a fat tummy and a cunning face.
“Sri Lanka,” Senasuru Bandara said calmly.
The gatekeeper of Hell froze and then collapsed. It was so rare in hell for such an event. Moments like this were called ‘Hell of a thing’. His boss, known as ‘’Double- Trouble’’ who was observing the whole thing, flew to the gate with a sharp dagger and yelled at the soul at the gates.
“What the hell did you do to him?”
Senasuru Bandara, who was as shocked by what happened, was speechless for a split second. But as the shrewd, opportunist he was, like all the politicians in Sri Lanka, he saw an emerging opportunity.
“ I just said I was a politician from Sri Lanka,” he said in a loud voice.
Double-Trouble did not freeze, nor did he faint. He was, after all, an experienced devil that has dealt with millions of souls and a couple of Sri Lankan politicians who came to hell a while back. He stared at the politician and tried to scramble a few words.
“I am not going to ask you for your sins. It is known in every darn universe that the unbelievable evil talents of Sri Lankan politicians. I give you that. But you must know something. You have no damn idea how much the ‘Board’ hates the Sri Lankan politicians. Face their wrath and anger.”
Double-Trouble said with a grin.
Bandara thought for a moment. So obviously, this guy is just a clerk here. The ‘board’ is the real deal, just like his home country. Maybe just as in Sri Lanka, I could bribe the right guy. Everyone had a price. It couldn’t be any different in Hell.
“ Why does your board hate us so much?” he asked Double-Trouble.
“ For making an alternative to Hell on the earth itself. Is that even a question ?” The angry Devil yelled.
Bandara thought for a moment. As far as he remembered, he did not live in hell. He died while he was at the colonial Bungalow, which had 20 rooms and was maintained by taxpayer money. His favorite vehicle was a Porsche Cayenne among many others, which Sri Lankan people fondly called Bawana or heaven. He had one official wife, a few mistresses, and tens of other one-nighters. He ate organic food, imported beef, handcrafted chocolates, Australian Salmon, vintage wines and the list was too long. He was angry about the lie of the Devil and thought of confronting him.
“What the hell are you talking about? It was a heaven in all sense”
The devil got angry and grabbed the Sri Lankan by his throat.
“Maybe for you. But for your people, it was worse than hell. We lost not only ratings but also so many patrons and clients.
Senasuru felt a rare satisfaction for what he and the other politicians had done. ‘’ Damn, we really gave a run for their money. He was smiling in his mind.
Double-Trouble so badly wanted to drag this man right into a hot lava pit, but had no choice other than adhering to protocol every time a Sri Lankan politician appeared in hell. They were to be taken to the ‘Torture Policy Board’. Even hell was so organised like the European Union. You had a board to determine policy before implementing. One board for one policy. The only difference was that, unlike the EU, hell really implemented their policies.
Bandara was escorted to the board through a secret tunnel. Double-Trouble did not want to take a chance with a Sri Lankan, politician or not. The devil was scared that if he were to witness hell in its real shape, there was a real chance they would copy some of the facilities that Sri Lanka did not already have. Sri Lanka had some infrastructure way more hellish than Hell,such as the public transport system, public toilets, drainage systems, and so on. There was no competing on that, but what if the Sri Lankans were to see the torture chambers and so on?
By the time Double-Trouble reached the committee room, the board was already convened. ‘Torture Policy Board’ had five members and was considered one of the most powerful in hell. Among its members, there were four male devils and one female devil. Even in hell, gender discrimination was such a common thing and was highly praised on a positive note. There were no feminist devils, and even the very word ‘’ ‘feminism’ was only used to torture the misogynists who came from certain places on earth. Sri Lanka and India, however, were closely competing with hell in this segment.
“Who do we have here?” the senior devil ‘Ring a Bell’ asked.
He was presiding over the board. There was also ‘Your Nightmare’, ‘Stabber the great’, ‘Judas the senior’, and the one and only female devil, ‘Calm as Hell’, seated around a U-shaped table. Needless to say, Calm as Hell was despised by all the male devils as she used to speak her mind, other than being a female.
Bandara looked at the table. It looked so much like Teak.’Wonder where they bought it from and whether they got a good deal for it, he was curious. Then he tried to read the room to understand who really called the shots, who was easy to manipulate, who would make a stand, and who would listen.
“ Your lordships, we have a Politician from…” Even before Double Trouble finished…
“Do not tell us he is from Sri Lanka,” Your Nightmare screamed.
Unfortunately, Double-Trouble had to deliver the grim news. “Forgive me, my lordship, but he is.”
The board sat in a stunned silence. When God created the world, He intended for Sri Lanka to be a preview of Paradise, a tiny package of waterfalls, fertile soil, and lush mountains. Why tiny, you may ask. Well, all the great things come in small packages, that is why.
He made it resilient to earthquakes and volcanoes, far from the snows of Quebec or the parched deserts of Egypt. He even added lakes, caves, and valleys. Then sent the biggest mammals both in the sea and on land – Whales and elephants to live there. But God was suddenly preoccupied with the wars of Alexander the Great and lost touch with Sri Lanka. During that time, the sneaky Portuguese, Dutch, and British colonials ran their own little Hells for the locals in Sri Lanka, among many other places. However, the brave people of Sri Lanka managed to get rid of the colonials without God’s intervention. They had no more kings either from London or from Kandy.
That was when Satan saw an opening. He planted a new clan in his own image to rule the country: the Politicians. They did not disappoint Satan and did one hell of a job. With no time, the Sri Lankan politicians had outdone Hell so thoroughly that the “Afterlife” Rating Agency,the only honest entity in the universe, ranked the island as the most efficient inferno in existence. This was the bone of contention; the professional devils were being out-deviled by amateurs from Colombo. Take that, Satan !!!
Ever since, the custom in Hell was that every time a Sri Lankan politician was sent to hell, which was the only place they were assigned, they had to be taken to the board for a hearing. The board could then decide the type of punishment. As there was no place to send them back to, the board members started to come up with very creative solutions to punish those humans. But trust me when I say it, even the most competent devils found it hard to crack a Sri Lankan politician.
“ So you were a minister of religious affairs and national reconciliation. Am I right ?” one of the board members asked Bandara.
“Yes,” he said proudly. His attitude and tone angered Double-Trouble.
“Where do you think you are now? This is not Colombo Airport. You have to say ‘Your Lordship at the end of each answer and bow your head.”
Bandara nodded his head, confusing everyone.
“ Did you understand human? Calm as Hell asked. The only thing she or anyone in hell could never understand was this head nodding of Sri Lankans. It could have meant a dozen things, from “ yes, no, maybe, you dare, what the hell,” and so on. Only a Sri Lankan would understand what one means by a head nodding.
“ Yes, your lordship. I understood, and I was the minister you mentioned, “ Bandara was courteous.
“He had been a monster rather than a minister and a worse backstabber than you,” Judas the Senior whispered to Backstabber the Great’s ears with a devilish smile.
“ Mind you, a worse Judas too. Backstabber pointed out how Senasuru Bandara had sold his business partner to the police when he had run the course. There was a bit of an awkward silence in the room.
“ Ah, leading a Muslim business Boycott movement while being the minister of reconciliation,” said Calm as Hell, looking at the record of the politician.
“ But wait, you have had all your meals from Rahman Biriyani Shop and Hameed Burgers. Even your clothes were brought from Ammeedia’s. What the hell !!! “
The whole board was confused.
“Of course, I did that. Reconciliation is that, isn’t it? “ Senasuru tried to further confuse the board.
“Inflaming anti-Tamil sentiments and giving money to mobs who vandalized Tamil shops during the communal riots. Calm as Hell kept reading further.
“But I always obtained blessings from the Kandaswami Hindu Temple. Besides, all the Tamil politicians were my drinking buddies,” Senasuru said in a hushed voice.
“ You Sri Lankan politicians are the only ones capable of such dubious acts. Hell is not at all enough for your crimes, and we may never understand you lot.”
‘’ Look. I understand that I am slightly overqualified for this place. But looking at the bright side, why don’t you make me part of your team? I can help you win your title back from the rating agency.
The board was more than shocked to see the audacity of the Sri Lankan. Even being the devil’s agents, they lacked this level of talent for manipulation and audacity.
“ I can even rat you about the other politicians and how we have beaten you guys. See, I am the best asset you can ever have.”
Senasuru was determined to push his agenda further.
“I do not require titles such as ‘Lordship,’ nor do I ask for grand promotions. Just appoint me as a Strategic Advisor to the Board with eternal tenure. Even a clerk’s position would suffice to begin. Once I have implemented my ‘Six-Year Plan’ for the underworld, you will find that Hell is not a place of just punishment, but a profit center. Mark my words. I have never overpromised and under-delivered.”
He wanted to add, “ ask my voters,” but then he realized it would certainly depend on who they ask. So he stood confidently. The politician smiled, knowing he had planted a seed of greed in the hearts of the devils. He had used the Art of War in the pit of despair, and for the first time in an eternity, the Devil looked worried.
Let’s meet again with Part Two….
Dhanuka Dickwella is a distinguished Sri Lankan poet, author, and multifaceted professional whose work spans literature, geopolitics, and social activism. Holding a Master’s degree in International Relations, he has established himself as an expert in geopolitics and geoeconomics, fields that inform his analytical and creative endeavours.
His professional portfolio includes significant editorial and journalistic roles: he serves as the Executive Editor of The Asian Reviews magazine, a platform dedicated to bridging the literary worlds of East and West. Additionally, he contributes as a guest writer for the Chicago-based Armenian Mirror-Spectator, focusing on geopolitical issues in the Caucasus region, and as a columnist and guest speaker for Force, an Indian magazine addressing security and defense matters. Dickwella’s career in public service is equally notable. Dhanuka Dickwella is the Chief Coordinator for Canada for the Panorama International Literature Festival 2026. He has been actively involved in Sri Lankan politics, having served as a grassroots politician, political campaign director, and council member of a local government body in a rural Sri Lankan town. Prior to his political engagements, he founded and led a foundation dedicated to empowering youth and supporting underprivileged communities, reflecting his commitment to social equity. Currently, he advises youth groups on political activism and broader political trends, leveraging his extensive experience to foster the next generation of civic leaders. Beyond his analytical and political pursuits, Dickwella is a celebrated poet and blogger whose literary work explores the complexities of human emotion and experience. His debut poetry collection, Voices of Lust, Love and Other Things, showcases his ability to weave personal narrative with universal themes. An ardent climate and social activist, he champions sustainable development and social justice, driven by a vision of a better world for future generations. A proud Sri Lankan patriot, Dickwella is also a devoted father to his daughter, whose influence is a cornerstone of his personal and creative life. Dhanuka Dickwella’s diverse achievements reflect a rare synthesis of intellectual rigor, artistic expression, and civic dedication, positioning him as a prominent voice in both Sri Lankan and global contexts.
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